Art History Limericks
by Mark Stocker | 10 December 2020
An elderly painter named Milan
Said ‘I’ve got this brilliant p-lan
I’ll paint a red square,
What it means I don’t care,
But critics will all praise my e-lan!'
Rodin told Camille Claudel,
‘You really are my kind of gel,
You’re a real good looker
Ma petite French cooker,
And you can sculpt just a bit as well!’
[Alternative final line: ‘Now, help with those damn Gates of Hell!’]
A high gothic statue at Rheims
Adopted a classical stance.
When they asked ‘Are you gay?’
He replied ‘Hell, no way,
I'm the straightest stone statue in France.’ (By my friend James)
Fastidious James, how he screams
When I dare pronounce Rheims as ‘Reems’
And St Denis ‘Dennis’,
Compounds the menace.
Vulgarity rules, so it seems!
Bernini, when sculpting Theresa,
Said ‘I just know what will please her.
An angel - so fierce
Her body will pierce
As heavenly sentiments seize her!’
The painter Pete McIntyre
Didn’t set our art world on fire
Landscapes so trad
They’d appeal to your dad
Only fit for a modernist fire!
A painter whose first name was Toss
Used to sell household goods by the gross
Till he got some new skills
And transposed all the hills
Into paintings far better than dross. (by Roger Collins)
A painter named Colin McCahon
Said ‘I only paint that which I can —
No pretty young girls
With their pretty young curls,
But landscapes the size of a barn.’ (by Roger Collins)
Henry Moore said ‘My sculpture is goals,
Organic and pierced with great holes.
This was Barbara’s idea,
Now it’s mine - the poor dear,
You women have second’ry roles!’
Georg Baselitz leaped into fame
With paintings that all looked the same
His figures - inverted
Made us once disconcerted
But he’s now at the top of his game!
The heterosexual male
Will try but invariably fail
De ne jamais toucher
Le grand sexy Boucher;
He really is beyond the pale!
A erudite scholar of Mich-
elangelo, Klee and Van Dyck,
Claimed ‘For my part,
I know all about art,
But I’ve no idea what I like!’ (not by me, wish it was!)
Picasso’s Les Demoiselles
Insults sweet Avignon gels.
But he said, ‘I don’t care
If they’re cubic or square
So long as my masterpiece sells!’
David resolved for a laugh,
To paint old Marat’s last bath.
He paid for his error,
Supporting the Terror,
And did Charlotte hurt him? Not half!