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Art History Limericks

by Mark Stocker | 10 December 2020

An elderly painter named Milan 
Said ‘I’ve got this brilliant p-lan 
I’ll paint a red square, 
What it means I don’t care, 
But critics will all praise my e-lan!'

 

Rodin told Camille Claudel,

‘You really are my kind of gel,

You’re a real good looker

Ma petite French cooker,

And you can sculpt just a bit as well!’

[Alternative final line: ‘Now, help with those damn Gates of Hell!’]

 

A high gothic statue at Rheims

Adopted a classical stance.

When they asked ‘Are you gay?’

He replied ‘Hell, no way,

I'm the straightest stone statue in France.’ (By my friend James)

 

Mark’s riposte:

Fastidious James, how he screams

When I dare pronounce Rheims as ‘Reems’

And St Denis ‘Dennis’,

Compounds the menace.

Vulgarity rules, so it seems!

 

Bernini, when sculpting Theresa,

Said ‘I just know what will please her.

An angel - so fierce

Her body will pierce

As heavenly sentiments seize her!’

 

The painter Pete McIntyre

Didn’t set our art world on fire

Landscapes so trad

They’d appeal to your dad

Only fit for a modernist fire!

 

A painter whose first name was Toss

Used to sell household goods by the gross

Till he got some new skills

And transposed all the hills       

Into paintings far better than dross. (by Roger Collins)

 

A painter named Colin McCahon

Said ‘I only paint that which I can —

No pretty young girls    

With their pretty young curls,

But landscapes the size of a barn.’  (by Roger Collins)

 

Henry Moore said ‘My sculpture is goals,

Organic and pierced with great holes.

This was Barbara’s idea,

Now it’s mine - the poor dear,

You women have second’ry roles!’

 

Georg Baselitz leaped into fame
With paintings that all looked the same
His figures - inverted
Made us once disconcerted
But he’s now at the top of his game!

 

The heterosexual male 
Will try but invariably fail 
De ne jamais toucher 
Le grand sexy Boucher; 
He really is beyond the pale!

 

A erudite scholar of Mich-

elangelo, Klee and Van Dyck,

Claimed ‘For my part,

I know all about art,

But I’ve no idea what I like!’    (not by me, wish it was!)

 

Picasso’s Les Demoiselles

Insults sweet Avignon gels.

But he said, ‘I don’t care

If they’re cubic or square

So long as my masterpiece sells!’

 

David resolved for a laugh,

To paint old Marat’s last bath.

He paid for his error,

Supporting the Terror,

And did Charlotte hurt him? Not half!