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The Courtauldian

c/o The Students’ Union

The Courtauld Institute of Art

Vernon Square, 

Penton Rise,

London

WC1X 9EW

the.courtauldian@courtauld.ac.uk

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No Artists: Which artist can’t get no love from you?

November 20, 2015

1. Your lover asks to paint your portrait, you hate it because...

 

a) He told me to pose nude for him and you couldn’t even tell it was me. I walked seductively down the stairs 200 times for that? Please.

b) Okay. Firstly, my feminine curves aren’t THAT undulating. What are you trying to say? Also, you know I’ve never liked my nose in profile.

c) I mean, I guess you could say it was accurate... But if I wanted everyone to see my #nomakeupselfie I wouldn’t restrict it to 1 second Snapchats.

 

2. Whats the most annoying thing your lovers done recently?

 

a)He found this manky urinal on the street and is trying to set it up in our bathroom, saying its his now. Its like, fine, you can leave the seat up.

b) He mostly ignores me, and then the only time he liked my Instagram was when I dressed up as a sausage dog for Halloween. I wasn’t even a sexy sausage dog.

c) So, his recent hobby is armchair psychology. We Netflix and chill on the weekends, you don’t fucking know me.

 

3. He’s helping you decorate the house, ugh, it looks worse than before...

 

a) Are a few pretty pictures too much to ask? No, I don’t want a bottle rack in my hallway. I told him my eyes hurt and he said I should try using my mind. Ruuude.

b) Well, he painted everything blue and then started crying. Next time, keep your comedown to yourself, I prefer rose pink.

c) He said he was a painting pro and offered to do the walls, but I think he was lying? I’m sorry but that finish was NOT smooth, I can still see the brushstrokes.

 

4. What was the moment you decided it had to end?

 

a) I passed out on the sofa at a party and he drew a mustache on my face. Seriously? I was running late for my lecture and forgot to look in the mirror...

b) I asked for a guitar for my birthday, and he gave me this weird small one made from cardboard, I don’t think it even had strings. 

c) I was looking at his search history and lets just say BBW isn’t going out of business. I mean, whatever, but at least search incognito.

 

Mostly As = Duchamp

Mostly Bs = Picasso

Mostly Cs = Lucien Freud

 

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